The last time we were together, I was going for my final chemo treatment and seeing the surgeon. I'm happy to report that the last round of chemo was uneventful and the side effects were almost non-existent. I'm glad my body gave me a break because the emotional aspect of the next step has been kicking my butt. You see, my double mastectomy is mere days away on Thursday, November 8th.
I've tried composing this blog several times over the past few weeks. Sometimes in my head. Sometimes on my laptop. I think I have the words, then the words disappear and the tears come. Every time. This time included. Give me a minute...
I've lost my peace. I've lost my joy. I am weary. My strength is fading. My positive outlook is growing dimmer. There's mostly just sadness and tears with some irritability and a little bit of anger mixed in. Emotionally, I pretty much can't deal with anyone else's stuff right now. I'm having enough trouble dealing with my own.
I'm not going to lie to you. This is HARD.
I am struggling way more than I thought I would with the idea of having no boobs. All my life, I've been more of a tomboy than a girlie girl. The words "they're just boobs and they don't have much use" have crossed my lips a few times over the years. But now that I'm about to lose them? Man, it's a whole different story.
I thought losing my hair was going to be hard. That has nothing on this. My hair will grow back eventually. Although, by the looks of the peach fuzz I have going on, it's not going to be the purple, beach waves I was hoping to see. Thank God for amazing hair dressers with amazing hair colours.
People ask me how I'm doing. I mostly say that I'm struggling. Exactly what I'm struggling with with respect to losing my boobs, I'm not even sure I can put into words. I'm not even sure I've figured it out yet. That's another reason I've had trouble getting this blog done.
People ask me what they can do. I don't know that there is anything anyone can do except pray - whatever that looks like for you. If you see me in person, hugs are always a good thing.
I feel alone. Alone in a way that no one can really understand unless they've faced what I'm facing.
I feel like my world has shrunk.
I feel like...
There are so many thoughts whirling around in my head but the words have dried up again... I'm going to take a break...
It has taken me three days to get back to this blog. Now, it's only 2ish days until my surgery. I may have figured out what I'm struggling with thanks to my friend, Reena. I feel like I am losing the last vestige of what little femininity I possess.
I have regained some peace, some joy. I know that I am not alone and that I have oodles of support. The tears don't come as often or as plentiful. That's not to say that the tears are done because I know there is an element of grief in what I am going through and have yet to go through. I will allow the tears to flow freely when they arrive. I won't deny myself the relief that comes with shedding the grief. The light is beginning to shine through the darkness.
I'm okay and I'm not okay and that's okay. With the support of God, my husband, my family and my friends, I'm gonna be okay. I've got this!