I’ve been struggling. There. I said it. It’s out now. This is why I’ve been so quiet.
Why is it so hard to admit that? Why do we (I) as human beings struggle with admitting that we (I am) are struggling? Why do we (I) think it is better to retreat into ourselves (myself) when the going gets tough instead of reaching out?
I guess I have always been that way. I was that way every time I fought depression. Maybe I don’t want to be a burden. Maybe I don’t want to disappoint. Maybe I don’t want to be seen as weak when everyone is saying how strong I am. I’m supposed to be the positive one after all.
These last 3 weeks have been taxing. A difference of opinion with my Hun Bun had us at odds which I never like. The chemo side effects hit a little harder. Everything tasted like it was basted in butter. I like me some butter but when sunflower seeds taste buttery?! I mean, come on! That's not right! We were supposed to go away for a few days for our 10th anniversary the week after chemo but I didn’t feel well enough so we couldn’t. To say we were disappointed is an understatement. The fatigue was a little more intense which had me frustrated; feeling useless. Then a head cold knocked me down. OY!
I’ll admit it. I had myself a pity party. Well, a few pity parties. I had good moments in between the parties though. Funny how when you need contact the most and you are comfortably ensconced in your cocoon, hiding from the world, God has your peeps check up on you.
You know what helped me get out of my funk? Telling someone… Saying the words “I’m struggling” out loud. Talking about it... Getting it out of my head… Having someone listen… As soon as I did, I felt clearer, lighter. I am still sick. I am still tired. Chemo round 4 is tomorrow with all of its side effects hovering in the wings.
HOWEVER, I am dealing with these things in a more positive way because I reached out for help. We (I am) are human. God created us (me) to experience many different emotions.
In the book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon wrote that there is “a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). There’s pretty much a time for almost every emotion we have been given. We (I) just have to remember that they are all a gift from God and we (I) shouldn’t be afraid of them.
My friend and co-worker Mike had this made for me which I think is super awesome. It, too, has helped me get through. Thanks Mikey!! I’m trying. I really am.
Now, I'm going to follow this advice as well...
I am strong! I just forgot for a minute.
And I am still...